A young wife wrote:
I am an attractive woman. I dress nicely and take care of my outer appearance. My husband looks at other women - mostly women who are less attractive. This really hurts my feelings. Any advice how to deal with this?
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder....this is no excuse for this husband who makes his wife insecure by looking at other women whom she deem less attractive than her.
There are bigger problems under the surface for both of them. This wife might be beautiful and well kept, but she might not be kind and compassionate, or might not show her husband respect which he desperately needs....again this is not to excuse this man from inappropriate behavior.
But both of them need to communicate. She needs to express her hurt and discontent to her husband. He needs to express his real needs to her.
Both need to draw closer to God. At the core of this problem is their spirituality. So both need to pay more attention to their spiritual life and walk with God. If they don't have Christ, they have a worse and more serious problem. They need Christ in their lives to rule and be Lord first.
Suesanne Abraham
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1- Pray first 2- Talk to him in nice and spiritual way 3- Pray with him about the subject 4- Look in her life if there is something wrong 5- Evaluate their relationship with the Lord as a family: Do they have a real fellowship with the lord as family? Do they pray together? Do they have a family alter? 6- Consider counseling with Christian friends or pastors
All of the above should be done in a nice way. Find a suitable time to suggest these things in a nice manner, not revenge or anger.
Part of the matter should be dealt with as a sin, not only something against the wife, but against God. Looking at other women lustfully is sinful. She should show him that she cares for his spiritual well being and his relationship with the Lord more than the fact that she is jealous.
W.K.
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I noticed the woman in question is talking too much about herself as: attractive and cares for her outer appearance and dresses nicely and such, but I didn't find between the lines that she has other strong characters to qualify her as Godly woman. Maybe the whole question was summarized to the few statements we read but nevertheless...the focus is too much on her outer appearance.
The fact that any husband looks at other less attractive women means one thing. The husband doesn't care for physical appearance and probably is looking at something much more than that, which his wife lacks it.
Maybe the husband is looking at a smart brain, kindness, true partner at all level, some sense of humor etc. Maybe the husband is looking at certain traits that are missing in his pretty and sophisticated wife.
The pretty woman should find out whether or not her husband is looking with lust at other woman or with admiration. There is a big difference between lust and admiration. The first one (lust) is wrong and condemned by God and Godly men. The second one (Admiration) is legitimate and the wife must figure out what is lacking in her to correct it and becomes the wife that her husband desires. The Bible is very strict and crystal clear on men looking with lust at other women. The Bible calls this act adultery...as simple as that.
If the husband is a true believer, he must love his wife as his own and as much as Jesus loves his church. If the wife is a true believer, she must obey and love her husband and act as a Christian wife. If on the other hand, the couple have weakness and are struggling with this issue but truly want to save their marriage and live in harmony and peace according to God's intention and design...there is always help and counseling available to them.
Nada Hatem
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Dear attractive and good looking woman,
Allow me to answer your question with regard to your husband's behavior towards other women. I will start with two verses from the Bible, which I shall quote. In proverb 30:15-16, we read:
15"The leech has two daughters. 'Give! Give!' they cry. "There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say, 'Enough!" 16 The grave, the barren womb, land which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, 'Enough!"
Your husband's behavior is very normal; were you the most beautiful woman in the whole world, you will find your husband behaving in the same manner. No matter how much you quench his thirst, and provide to him all his emotional needs, he won't change his behavior. Go back to the two verses I have quoted above; try to understand the meaning that the Author is trying to convey. The problem is not in you; it is in him although you are not totally innocent. I only wish that I could express my self as my heart dictates to me, but I find myself holding back on this manner because your feelings will be hurt too. If you can find a man who does not look at other women besides his own, then you would have found a liar. All men are the same. If you discussed this situation with any of your friends and they told you that they are blessed with husbands that do not look at other women, then without any offence to any of those women, they either don't know the truth about their husbands, or they were afraid to admit that they have the same experience but could not confide their secrets in you. The Wisest King to be ever born on Earth could not satisfy his desire of love and confine in one woman or even 10. Not even 100 women from the most beautiful virgins that he could choose from in the most blessed city that can be found from among the whole wide world, namely the City of Jerusalem; the City which was able to fill that emptiness that he had in his eyes for more and more beautiful women. One thousand women were those whom he took for himself and was never able to say to the fire it is enough. Do not push your husband away from you and loose him for ever. I am sure that his sin is confined only in his own heart; if it were otherwise, you would not be writing this letter. Love your husband and subject yourself to him. If you see him looking at other women, be happy that he does that in front of your own eyes. Other husbands do it only when they are alone or with other men of the same nature. If you catch him with other woman, then your feelings are not only hurt, and your heart is not only broken, and your house is not only destroyed, but your life will have come to an end and your husband will have to pay sevenfold, and will come to be in need of a loaf of bread and his shame will never be wiped away.
My advice to you is to pray to God to keep your husband away from the snare of a strange woman and to protect him from the beauty of other women. The sum of the whole matter is found in the Bible. I will close my statement from two verses taken from the Bible as I did in my opening statement to you and from the same book:
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.
May God bless you and keep you and your husband together!
Mazin Sweis
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You need to understand that it does not matter what you look like whether the most beautiful or not. Your husband should not look or check out other women. You have to handle the situation with care and wisdom. Confront him and ask him, “Why do you look around?” But before your do so, you need to look at your self with critical eye to see if you are doing everything right before man and God, then there is no reason why he should look around. Also, seek church council if it gets out of hand. Take care and always pray.
Engy Yacoub
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Hello... maybe he lacks something in you. Don’t think that beauty and taking care of outer appearance is the only thing that will prevent your husband from looking at other women. Maybe he needs more than this. Do you let him feel your love? Your tenderness? Do you sit with him and express your feelings for him? And maybe you are not wrong; maybe he is not honest and a player. Anyway, I am not with you and I can’t decide or judge the situation, but all I can say is Jesus is our guide so pray for him and I am sure he will comfort you and he can change you and your husband... God bless you
Christine S. B.
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I am going to assume that your husband is a young man. Most men look at other women whether in front of their wives or when they’re alone. Honestly you cannot control whom he looks at when he’s at work for example. If the idea is just looking, I don’t think there is a big issue here other that you don’t like it and it hurts your feelings.
For men, the attraction can have many attributes and it’s not necessarily based on looks. Your husband is not comparing you to other women. I think if a man looks at other women, that’s ok but if he acts on it, then you may run into problems. Also there is a difference between looking and ogling or staring. If it’s just a glance then its probably harmless but staring or worse lusting over a woman can create problems.
You need to assess your relationship to see if there are any issues that may be related. In addition, why don’t you just confront him and tell him that it’s hurting your feelings?
Always strive to have an open line of communication between you and your spouse.
Khaldoun Alwer
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The answer lies deep within your personality; do you really take good care of your house and your husband instead of taking care of the way you look and dress? This would really make a big difference. Also, it does not hurt if you really start looking deeply into the way you treat your husband. Do you really give him the respect that any husband deserves? Since men tend not to address their needs and keep them to themselves, you maybe unknowingly hurting him some way and some how. So my advice to you is to start praying to the Lord to help you with this issue, and then start by giving your husband respect. Take care of his house needs, and may the lord bless you and be with you
Michael Barahmeh Church Leader / Gospel Singer / Family counselor
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This topic is overflowing with challenges. I would like to offer a male perspective.
First, I think it's generally true that men find it EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to avoid looking at other women. Even happily married, good Christian men that I know have a difficult time obeying the command not to covet another man's wife, even if just visually for a moment. Jesus taught us "anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." I suspect that of all the specific commandments that Jesus gave, that is the commandment that is broken most often. When I heard there was a book entitled "Every man's battle," I knew that book dealt with lust and sexual temptation without any more information than the title. So first, all women should understand what a great struggle this area presents for men. Understanding, however, does not imply condoning bad behavior. The next step is open communication about the issue. For women in that situation, they must (1) make it clear that they don't appreciate the wanderlust and (2) they expect better from their husbands.
If the husband in that marriage is a Christian, I would recommend that he either search out good Christian counsel such as the book Every Man's Battle, or that he enter an accountability partnership with a trusted male friend who will respectfully but firmly call him into account regularly, or both. It's not an easy struggle but significant headway can be made. If the husband is not a Christian, then this advice falls flat. The wife can hope that the man's behavior changes based on her disapproval, but the man may not care, or he may think she is being unreasonable to expect him to avoid "just looking" at other women.
Both people in that situation need to realize that bad habits are hard to break. It helps if it's clear up front that the habit really is a bad thing. After that, significant work and/or help is probably required.
-A reader in Michigan
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